· Manatees, other than the ones employed by Fox TV to write “Family Guy,” are in danger. They’re so in danger, you could almost say they’re endangered. But the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission no longer thinks so – they want to downgrade them to “threatened.” Odd behavior for a “conservation commission,” until you find out Gov. Bush appointed a banker, a ranch owner, a developer, a real-estate investor, and a vice president of the St. Joe Co., Florida's largest landowner. Which reminds me of this great joke. A banker, a ranch owner, and a developer are hunting manatees… wait, how’d that go? Sign petitions here and here.
· In Delaware Bay, where the wildlife was apparently named after things you’d find in a stable, the red knot shorebird is threatened by horseshoe crab fishing. This robin-sized bird migrates all the way down to the tip of South America, where it hides laundered money and picks up Argentinean women. Then it flies back up north to feed on horseshoe crab eggs, but overfishing has created a shortage and now scientists are saying it may be extinct by 2010. That’s right. 2010. At this rate, the red knot could be extinct before they cancel “Scrubs.” Defenders of Wildlife ask you to defend it.
· World Wildlife Fund is holding a charity auction, and offering a strange array of costumed panda bears signed by celebrities. There’s a George Clooney bear in scrubs, a Nicole Kidman bear dressed like a can-can dancer, and a Rudy Giuliani bear in an ‘I Heart NY’ t-shirt. Most arbitrary is the lone giraffe, dressed like a chef and signed by Scientology’s first lady Kelly Preston. At post time, the Karate Kid bear signed by Ralph Macchio is still only $230! Act now, folks! That bear must be Sludgie’s. Wax off.